i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
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He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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