Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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