we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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