Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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