dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
