So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
