I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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