did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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