it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
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you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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