we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
