I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
