Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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