Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
