Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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