I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
