I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
