So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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