nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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