Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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