Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
