I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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