Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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