I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
