For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
