I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
pray to the hookup gods
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
