how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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