Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
