I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
