Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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