1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?