i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius