Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
