If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid