shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first