I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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