I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
