He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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