It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
