On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
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Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
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Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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