I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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