Little spoons don't ask big questions
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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