i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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