Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
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I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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