I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We are all done wearing pants today
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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