You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
