I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
