There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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