just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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