You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
