Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
