The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
