she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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