I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
