12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
