if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
