Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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