im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
